In noctem

To będzie dobre na dzisiejszą noc:

Carry my soul into the night
May the stars light my way
I glory in the sight
As darkness takes the day
Ferte in noctem animam meam
Illustrent stellae viam meam
Aspectu illo glorior
Dum capit nox diem
Cantate vitae canticum
Sine dolore actae
Dicite eis quos amabam
Me nunquam obliturum

Sing a song, a song of life
Lived without regret
Tell the ones, the ones I loved
I never will forget,
Never will forget.

Po łacinie i po angielsku raczej identyczny tekst.

Niezdecydowanie

No time to hesitate. He'll lurk around my synapses until the day when everything explodes. I used to believe in warmth and ice, this sweet dichotomy that provides sensations strong enough to indicate boundaries between which I was to pass. The boundaries have fallen down. The warmth has radiated away, the ice has melted down, therefore, I'm jumping up and down, up and down, I'm vibrating as a molecule imprisoned in a crystal structure. I'm blind so I can't see whether he's staying by my side or he's already gone. Let me not be so pathetic once again! Of course, sweet dreams fade away as quickly as birds' chirping when rain comes. The soul of mine that is craving for a mere moment of attention and warmth, wouldn't it agree on everything? D'autant plus que l'offre est si tentante...

Він прийшов

It is he came.

He also asked me to come. We ate ice-cream, no sexual content in it. And he was so confused. Oh my goodness, how cute he can be when embarrassed! He was sorry. I was forgiving. So we shall be friends from now on. And there shall be peace. And democracy. And let-me-stop-talking-bullshit...! :D

Чи знаєш ти, як сильно душу б`є безжальний дощь? Так ніби він завжди чекав лише мене. А як болить зимовий спокій нашого вікна, Ніжно пастельний, як твій улюблений Моне. Такий як ти
буває раз на все життя і то із неба...

Je touche...

I touch the grass. It is so soft. It smells with calmness. It remembers the early spring sun. I close my eyes. There's sky in my head. Clouds fold and unfold, clouds swirl, clouds... explode! I open my eyes. I breathe deeply. I begin to cry silently. Everything disappears in total darkness. I have no eyes. There are only two balls of glass. But tears are real.

O.K. I learn slowly. Step by step. A step backwards, a step forwards. How is it that I'm so naïve? Loneliness feeds me up. I become weaker and weaker. I become fatter and fatter, as fat as a pig. Then there comes a butcher. There comes profanation of my body. The butcher goes away. My soul melts down. I close my eyes. I lay on the ground. I touch the grass. It is so soft...

Split it!

Oh, yes. Sounds of the roaring road that unwinds and falls off by my window. Sirens' scream. Ice cream that was left on the pavement. The world falls. All the beings turn around, fall in and explode! Bung! Myriads of lights ignite and fade away. Everything is melting down. I can see it right now.

Od začátku jsem tuto myšlenku podporovala...

I decided to write something because I've got quite a lot of stuff to do, but I pretend I don't care and, above all, I love procrastination. Maybe... the most important factor making me vent my spleen is that I'm seriously fed up with everything. Even though there's this head splitting apart because of some daemons lurking amid its nets.

Let me go beyond these nonsensical metaphors and cogitate on something else. There's something really frightening what I've recently learnt of... Yes, there are some emotions for which I cannot find any reason. Yes, I've been intimidated by my own ego. I adore analysing and depriving me of this possibility in the given case has drawn some inconvenient conclusions. I.e. I lost my dearest brain toy. Hence now I'm your poor thing, left alone on the margin of all beings.

I need a small pin...

Concede, misericors Deus, fragilitati nostrae praesidium; ut, qui sanctae Dei Genetricis memoriam agimus; intercessionis eius auxilio, a nostris iniquitatibus resurgamus...

Fuck all ye merry people!

Coming through the threshold of this shithouse, I smile at the woman passing by and let her enter. As I get out, I start moaning and murmuring. I murmur some ancient incantations in even more ancient languages, making use of my ever useless knowledge. It rains with cats and dogs. As I pass the next building, finally some tears appear on my cheeks and chin. Hopefully, they disappear as rain comes down in sheets. I reach a park where I start going circles. Thoughts float through my mind and my soul. Would I vent my soul!

It turns out they all are so vain. So vain! Intentionally making other people suffer is what I cannot accept. Then: fuck all ye merry people! But, for heaven's sake, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME 'BOUT IT! I'm fed up with it, really!

Who will comfort me? Thou, Hypnos, thee call I! And thou, Thanatos, my beloved brother, my precious shadow, my lasting love, my sick fascination, thee call I! There is enough space where I lay. Please, come! Whom whisper I very last words? Come! Don't you be afraid! Indeed, I'm poisonous enough!

'When I love you a little less than before'

W piosence tytułka kiczowata. W tytule piosenka kiczowata. A może i nie. A może i tak.

I've just realized that it was me who was intent on our relationship. Me, not you. Kurwa.

Dobranoc, panowie, dobranoc!

And I was standing there and you were talking. The night was becoming denser and denser. I felt asleep and I had a splitting headache. But I loved your talk and each minute was so precious. I didn't want it to be finished. Tell me, dear J., how is it that I like you so much? Are you my brother right now?

As I was coming home, I kept on talking to you, Paul. Why is it so that I am closer to you with each moment of pain? Why is it so that I have given you the whole soul of mine and there is nothing left for me? What do you think about as you lay on your bad with this new guy? As you kiss him? As you cuddle him? As you promise him the same things you used to promise to me? Would you think about me?

Do you really keep my photo in your wallet? Does it symbolise your lasting love? Or maybe it is a tool with which you assure yourself that, the day he discovers you were unfaithful to him, you might come back to me? Might I receive you?

Iterum

Z komentarza znalezionego w Internecie:

The ancient Chinese believed that the pear was a symbol of immortality. (Pear trees live for a long time.) In Chinese the word li means both "pear" and "separation," and for this reason, tradition says that to avoid a separation, friends and lovers should not divide pears between themselves¹.

Those who are gone: Paul, A., B. Who's next? If it's true that god gives us only as much as we can handle... Then why the heck is he still overestimating my possibilities?
I have a splitting headache.

1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uMGH3kHhzM

Jako zvony městských věží, když se blíží cizí vojsko

Inny Paul, mianowicie Paul Verlain, pisał o swoim (do swojego?) Rimbaud: Venez, chère grande âme, on vous appelle, on vous attend. Nie wiem, czy to tylko moda językowa, czy raczej wyraz jakiegoś ogólnego dystansu względem drugich, że Francuzi mają tendencję, by zwracać się do siebie poprzez vous.

Ciekawi mnie, w jakich warunkach ten Paul napisał te słowa. Intuicyjnie odczuwam, że musiał to być poranek. Bo przyjście zawsze ma związek z iluminacją, przyjście jest bowiem takim procesem, który stawia znak zapytania nad wszystkim zastanym, tak samo jak słońce wschodzące od poranku rzuca wyzwanie niewyspanym śmiertelnikom. Oczekiwanie przyjścia jest więc w istocie oczekiwaniem zmiany; oto ma pojawić się ciepło, rzeczywistość ma być zakwestionowana, a pewne zagadnienia mają zostać rozjaśnione.

Tak przynajmniej myślę, gdy czekam z ufnością.